Noah Movie Review with spoilers

Once in a while I post movie reviews of movies I saw on the big screen. My father worked for Warner Brothers for many years and can usually call a movie within the first two minutes of seeing the film unfold.

The critics hated a Bible movie due to some controversy. I had heard this, but paid no attention. Most Bible movies don’t follow the story exactly, but I find enjoyment out of the film. To me Charlton Heston’s line “Let my people go” is my head scene of Moses. Jim Caviezel’s falling is a great Jesus moment. And I enjoy the fun, lightheartedness of a good play like when my mother dragged me to see Donnie Osmond as Joseph in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. (Hearing my mother scream like she was the teenage me at a boy band concert freaked me out.)  In Joseph the Elvis impersonator Pharaoh is fun. (And he later showed up as Ethan on Passions then as Brady Black on Days of Our Lives… I remember seeing hot guys on stage that show up on my television.) Joseph as a brat child showing off his coat… no worries.

So for Easter, I suggested we all go see Noah despite the warning I heard above.

And unfortunately Noah jumped the shark way, WAY too much. It became unbelievable and then not fun. First we have these fallen angels, the Watchers, helping him build the Arc. Hmm. Okay, but the Bible said 40 days to build it right? I’ll bite and move on.

Then we get to Cain’s people and the evils of eating human flesh. Ehh. Say what? Okay now we’re talking human flesh eating. This is getting graphic.

But to me where the story jumped the shark is that Noah’s sons want wives for the future. The Bible mentions they have wives. I remembered that much. The oldest Seth, he’s getting Emma Watson. She’s been raised in the family. But then Ham is old enough and goes in search of his own wife. When Noah’s knocks her down to let her die and not on the ship… I’m done.

I’ve lost interest now and Noah continues on his no children bent. To me this is not interesting at all, and I’m out of the realm of disbelief. I’m become critical and shaking my head. Noah believes God tells him to kill the babies inside Emma Watson’s stomach. Umm. No. Noah is a holy man. I’m out.

Then we have Ham not being a good son and letting the king of Cain’s people, the evil one onto the Arc. Then the man is killing animals because he’s hungry so now we’re told Noah didn’t save all the animals either.

The producers went out of their way to not tell the story of Noah. Cain finally gets killed, but the cycle of murders now continues. What is the point of the cleansing waters again? Or the flood? Or the prophesy?

Oh and why is Noah’s wife in pants? (I’d have not cared or noticed this detail if they didn’t give Noah this impossible to be a prophet or a holy man streak in him.)

Funny enough the mini-series, The Bible, at least told the story of Noah correctly and kept my interest in the first episode.

So I’d recommend skipping this movie entirely. If you are going to retell the Bible, at least keep the tradition of what the Bible is supposed to teach at the heart of the story. And no more killing innocent children just for the sake of it. It’s not fun to see, at all.

Guess you can look forward to my Sharknado review in the next few months unless I see something before then. I used to go to the movies ALOT. One day I’ll get back to it. But as you can see from the site, wedding and books keep me busy.